In particular, he discusses how to heal when the person we need to make amends with is no longer living. Living amends is a concept linked to addiction recovery and part of the twelve-step program for sober living. In simple terms, it means taking responsibility for the person you used to be and how you caused harm to the people in your life who care about you.
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Addiction takes over your life, stealing both your joy and your time, and making it impossible for you to give back to others and live a generous life. Instead, as you pursue a life in recovery, focus on being generous with your time and giving back to others. In this way, you can take the focus off of yourself and choose to live a life of greater meaning. Even so, you will have done all that you can to take responsibility for the past—and there’s a level of peace and freedom in that as well. How the other person chooses to respond to our amends is out of our control.
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We talked about the complicated processes of self-forgiveness and self-compassion. We’ve filled you in on things that can exacerbate guilt, like hindsight bias and survivors’ guilt. We’ve given you journaling exercises around coping with regret. It takes a certain living amends maturity and level of respect for yourself and the person you’re hoping to reconnect with to get past any past issues. These promises are often the most difficult to keep because addiction plays a decisive role in a person’s ability to live up to their promises.
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Along with reinforcing new behaviors and outlooks, making amends can also reduce stress. Many who lived with addiction have past behaviors they’re not proud of. By proactively correcting previous mistakes, those in recovery may be able to prevent future conflicts that could trigger a relapse. For many who lived in addiction, apologizing was a regular habit.
That might not be so tricky if the person were still alive. You’re left with a mountain of guilt and no one to apologize to, no one from whom you can ask forgiveness or make amends. Making living amends can take on many different forms depending on the relationship to those affected by the wrongdoing. In most cases, the offender owes apologies to the people closest to them, like their friends, parents, and children.
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Additionally, if we continue to make the same choices, it causes us to use our minds to feel righteous about choices and make the other person wrong for feeling hurt or deserving of our choices. That is just one small example of what are https://ecosoberhouse.com/article/6-successfull-and-motivational-sobriety-stories/. Part of my living amends is also being the friend my friends deserve and the employee my employers hired in good faith. Living amends touches deep parts of our lives and souls if we allow them. A few months back, she was traveling for an extended period of time. Well, the time came to continue my living amends to her and redo her entire master suite, including her bathroom.
- It’s actually not recommended to make amends in early recovery, as they may not be received well.
- For example, let’s say a mother didn’t make an effort to escort her children to the school bus stop.
- If approaching the other person opens up old wounds or re-traumatizes them, making amends isn’t advisable.
- Remembering how I stole from you makes me sad and fills me with shame.
If You’re Struggling to Make Amends
Some people will be easier than others to approach due to the relationship you have with them, how close you live to them, or other factors. In some situations, attempting to make amends may cause more harm than good. And in some cases, you may not be able to make direct amends at all.